••• Sunday, July 11, 2004

Light Summer Whine
Vacation was nice. Not all that relaxing, but nice. Not that I'm complaining or anything, okay I am complaining, but a cottage vacation is kind of like being at home, with better scenery. And while there's always room to slack on laundry and housekeeping, there's no getting around that people gotta eat. And somebody's gotta feed 'em.

Like most family feeders, I try to plan quick and easy meals while on vacation. By the end of this most recent stint, I had decided that, with the exception of Yogurt, there is no such thing as a quick, easy meal.

Samples of "simple" meals that simply haven't lived down to the promise include BLT sandwiches (washing and slicing veggies, making the toast while the bacon gets cold), store bought lasagne (remember to put garlic bread in the oven. Remember to take garlic bread out of the oven, garlic bread back in the oven to melt the butter, toss a salad) and deli meat sandwiches (Put everything on plates, remember all the condiments, do we have any sweet pickles? Where's the Dijon? What's this blue powder stuff on the bread? Anyone allergic to penicillin? Is this all we're having?)

The quintessential easy summer meal is likely the grilled hamberger. However, considering my most recent experience with this alleged no-brainer, I'm thinking that either the burger's reputation for ease is a culinary myth or I'm a frickin' idiot.

Following are the step-by-step instructions I follow for serving up grilled hamburgers, vacation style.

Quick and easy? You decide.

Quick and Easy Burgers on the Grill
1. Get a husband to grill pre-formed, egg shaped meat patties.
2. Prepare hamburger buns. Note: If someone forgot to take buns out of the freezer, proceed to step 3.
3. Serve buns frozen, but pretend you hadn't noticed.
4. If serving hamburgers with frozen buns, condiments are absolute necessity. Go to pantry and get ketchup bottle. Note: If it's a new ketchup bottle, proceed to step 5.
5. Remove foil safety cap from unopened ketchup bottle as follows: Pull on the ridiculously small pulltab. It probably doesn't work. Bite tab. Hurt teeth. Cuss twice. Family members will glance nervously, then resume argument on whether or not any two frozen-bun-freezer-borne ice crystals are exactly alike. Grab steak knife and gently poke at the foil ketchup cap. Nothing. Stab foil cap. Observe mere dent in foil cap. Stab again...again...Stab..Stab.. Stab! Yell: Die you filthy bastard! Wipe drool from chin. Survey, with deep satisfaction, red substance oozing from tiny slit in foil cap. Bring ketchup bottle to table, where no one will make eye contact with you.
6. Get Mustard bottle from pantry. Repeat Step 5.
7. Sit down to eat.
8. Husband: Is there tomato?
9. Go to kitchen to wash and slice tomatoes for tableside delivery.
10. Husband: Lettuce? Respond: Glare. Husband: I'll get it.
11. Male Teen: Why are the buns all wet? Respond: Death Ray Glare
13. Drink rum and cokes til bedtime.

P.S. I have some knitting knus but damn blogger keeps eating my updated posts. Grrr.
P.P.S. Blogger has been chewing up and spitting out bits and pieces of this post and I just can't deal with rewriting and repatching any more. So I'm sending it out "as is."

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