••• Monday, February 07, 2005

Psickology 101
This flu bug appears to be splattering itself across the windshield of America. As someone who is almost thinking about being declared practically cured, I thought I'd pass on some helpful, flu dealin' tips.

Daytime Phglemmies
Sick TV is and should be a different kind of viewing than, let's say, watching TV on a regular day off. Sick TV should be cheesy and decadent and embarrassing to admit to.

Following are the shows I will admit to watching while home sick last week:
1) Starting Over. I actually considered staying home the rest of the week just to watch the remainder of this week-long series. In case you haven't see it, it's a lot like the Real World, with therapy.

2)Judge Hatchett. Don't get me up here testifying. I'll go face to face. All. Day. Long.

3) Montel. I saw the most amazing (amazingly sad) video of a middle aged man, under the effects of GHB. I've seem some shit in my day, nothing like this.

4) TLC's A baby story. Now with this show, I have a little bit of history. In fact, the summer I had a Cakers in the oven, I watched this show nearly every day.

It's not so much that I related to any of the Polly and Pauly Purebred tales. (Ex: Here's a summary of one of last week's episodes: "Marlene and Steven met in college during one of their earth science classes. They already have two children, a three-year-old named Alex and his two-year-old sister, Randi. They're ready to add a third child to their family.")

I was waiting for a real story. A story about a 42ish, divorced, once remarried (so far), mother to a teenager. A woman who, after successfully pissing on a pregnancy alert wand, locks herself in the bathroom for three days, with a jug of cheap Merlot.

During the three day lockdown, she sends her haplessly confused husband to the pharmacy a total of 17 times, for more pregancy wands. After 34 more, poorly aimed pregnancy confirmations, she emerges from the bathroom, complete with purple teeth and a well crusted Merlot mustache. It's then she learns that, in her absence, her dearly befuddled had been on a single malt, three-day bender of his own.

Finally, after several more hours of barfing up their collective disbelief, the middle aged, shell-shocked couple finally look each other in the eye, smile, and say in unison "We're having a baby!"

That's the story I wanna see. The Merlot's on the other lip.

A Spoonful of Sugar
With the complex mixture of symptoms with this bug, it was hard to find the just right remedy. Following is a review of various medications my husband and I have tried over the past week:

1) DayQuil-Tastes like orange liquid shit, works only a little bit better.
2) NyQuil Cough-Tastes better than the orange shit. Worked well on the cough, but I woke up both nights at 4 a.m., feeling like my head was stuffed with circus peanuts.
3) NoonerQuil- Tastes suspiciously like tequila. Nice, warm burn going down. Nasty headache three hours later.
4)Robitussin Cough, Daytime formula- Tastes like home. Works better than DayQuil for cough and congestion. Don't take it at bedtime. Its ability to keep you up, trumps Nyquil's ability to make you drowsy. You'll be up all night, with a very clear head.
5) Robitussin Pediatric- You gotta drink about half a bottle to get little relief.
6) Robitussin Cough and Cold-Bedtime Formula- Still tastes good. Nice Drowse, but I woke up at 4 am, all stuffed up. Again.
7) Robitussin Cough and Colon Polyps- Not your mother's multipurpose Elixir.
8) Robitussin Nighttime Cough and Nipple Hair Relaxer- We're saving this one for our 10-year wedding anniversary. Thank you very much.
9) Alka Seltzer Plus, Flu (bedtime formula)- This shit rocked. I slept like a babe, all three nights, all night long. No coughing, no stuffy, no cold medicine hangover. It even tasted good.

Didya Hear?
Richard Nixon saw the movie DeepThroat seven times. And still couldn't get it down Pat.

Comments: Post a Comment