••• Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Trippin' Down Memory Book Lane 

A few weeks ago, I decided it was nigh time to get started on a scrapbook for my son’s upcoming graduation party (or Congratulations Party, per The Cakers).

Much to my surprise, I actually had a thought to start this project way last fall, but then decided I should probably get his baby book done, first. (That was a joke, son.) (Well, sort of.)

Anyway, when I finally embarked upon this adventure, I didn’t know jack scrap about making a memory book. But neither did I think it any big deal. I figured I'd slap some pictures on a page, add stickers appropro, then pop it all in a photo album.

So, how hard can that be? Really?

Learn to Scrapbook in a Day (Knowing not a grommet from a dammit)
1. Go to craft store.
2. Walk down the scrapbook supply aisle.
3. Walk down the next scrapbook supply aisle.
4. Repeat steps 2 and 3, until woozy.
5. Unsuccessfully seek out section titled “Scraptards: Sturt Heer"
6. Find a blank scrap book.
7. Carry scrapbook for two aisles.
8. Put down scrapbook.
9. Find another scrapbook.
10. Carry second scrapbook for .5 aisles.
11. Put down that scrapbook.
12. Retrieve first discarded scrapbook.
13. Wonder: What the fuck?
14. At the end of the 19th row of scrapbook materials, wonder if scrapbookers are taking over the world.
15. Notice stock paper described as “acid free.”
16. Ask nearby stock clerk lady if they carry anything stronger than the “acid free.” Maybe something in an “acid-lite?”
17. Note to self: Never discuss the heyday of hallucinogens with Hobby Lobby stock clerk lady.
18. Pick out two sheets of decorative paper. One in micro-dot, the other in a windowpane check.
19. Notice a theme being revealed.
20. Pick up a sheet of stickers titled “Such a Good Boy!”
21. Get distracted by freestanding rack of 3-D stick-on thingies, offered in a strange array of themes.
22. Pick up 3-D stick-on thingy representing two pine trees, bending towards one another, and tied together with rope. Real rope.
23. Wonder what possible “memory” a rope around two pine trees would represent, in a scrapbook.
24. Make up a story about the rope and pine trees, titled Mommy and Daddy Go Camping One night, after drinking a bottle of MD 20/20, daddy got all freaky, and shit, and tied mommy to this tree. Then....Well...That's how we got you! ::insert “Hurray For Me!” sticker::
25. Notice that there appears to be a sticker for everything.
26. Look for “Your First Day at Kinder-Therapy” and “Pass the Zoloft” stickers.
27. Feel smug after determining there is not a sticker for everything.
28. Develop an odd attachment to the S&M Pine Trees, and carry them for three aisles.
29. Wonder if Scrapbookers have already taken over the world.
30. Wonder if perhaps you have been scrapbooked alive, and at this very moment are wandering in a scrapbook supply aisle, inside a scrapbook, as part of some sick fuck’s doctoral thesis on The Social and Moral Implications of Voyeuristic Stickerism. Kind of like The Matrix, with less science and more glue.
31. Tell stock clerk lady “There is no spoon embellishment charm.”
32. Sniff the pine trees.
33. Put down the pine trees.
34. Walk away from the pine trees.
35. Look back once.
36. Look back twice.
37. Wonder if your therapist would consider coming out of retirement.
38. Pick out two pieces of background paper.
39. Note that the paper is acid-free.
40. Ask the stock clerk lady if they carry any thing stronger.
41. Briskly walk away after stock clerk lady says “Ma’am, I believe you’re having what we used to call a flashback. Please, step away."
42. Note to self: Re-read step 17.
43. Put back “Such a Good Boy!” sticker sheet, after realizing it’s for a dog.
44. Wonder if people make scrapbooks for dogs, and if so, who looks at them?
45. Decide that “Table Scraps” would be an excellent title for a dog’s scrapbook.
46. “Scrapper Doo,” would do. Too.
47. Slap self upside the head.
48. Put back all scrap shit; to wit.
49. Run.
50. Fast.
51. To car.
52. Drive to bookstore.
53. Find “Idiot’s Guide to Scrapbooking.”
54. Open book and randomly select a page.
55. Read directions for making pastel letter tags out of a ripped up cereal box, tempera paint, and letter stamps.
56. Think: Letter stamp, my pastel ass.
57. Flip to page titled “What Your Font Collection Says About You…”
58. Decide “Idiot” in book’s title, refers to author.
59. Go home.
60. Call a struggling college student and offer her the opportunity to “name her price” to make your boy a scrapbook, with the following, minimal requirements:
a) Must be done in time for party.
b) Must contain pictures of people you know.
c) No pine trees. Bent or otherwise.
d) Use only acid and lignin free paper.
61. Look up “lignin” in dictionary.
56. Have a Diet Vernors and Vanilla Rum.
57. Knock on wood, or wood-like substance.
So, how hard was that?

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