••• Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Pucker Power 

::Tasteless, Tacky, Crude, even, Content Warning::

Aging sucks. No doubt.You got your mood swings. Boob swings. And pube things, on a chin.

There's the weird thing with the hips, where your once sweeping curves, seemingly overnight, fill in and square up, like a fine work of brickmanship.

Then, there is the issue with the ass. And I’m not talking about that thing that happens around mid-40's, when your two butt cheeks appear to merge as one, uncracked butt-circle (aka The Uni-Butt).

I'm talking about a deeper, darker issue. I'm talking about the bottom-line hallmark of our impending, aesthetic demise: The aging booty hole.

The tail of the old butt-hole is actually a bad news/good news affair. The bad news is, we’re all going to die. The good news is, we can now leave this earthly kingdom, with a brighter, shinier, pinker pucker. Thanks to this product (While you're down there,check out the cootchie shave.)(On the webpage.)(Of course.)

My husband introduced this subject at Sunday dinner, a month or so back. He saw it on a Reality TV show, where a real live woman went to her real live doctor's office, laid herself on the table, perked her rump to the heavens and lightened up, a hole lot.

First I was stunned. Then intrigued. Now, I have some questions:
1) What is the goodness in having a more youthful butt hole? Can a pinker sphincter improve the quality of my life, in any way? Does a woman with a pinkened poo-portal, project more pluck and poise, than your average brown-eyed girl?

2) What is the motivation? Does a woman just wake up one morning, take a look in the butt-cam and say that “brown-ass shit has got to go?” Or is it a decision made at the behest of a devoted lover, one whose secret sexual fantasy might include moist wads of chewed Bubble Yum?

3) Are there any post-procedural restrictions? Can a person still drink the Pinot Noir? Eat the blueberry pie?

4) Do you have to stick to your own, natural skin tone family, or are color palettes available? ::I'm thinking along the lines of Hiny Dancer Blush or Hole Lotta Mauve or Snow Ride, for the double bleach procedure::

5) Who thinks up this shit?
Just sayin'.

Okay, I think I've squeezed the most out of this orifice visit. I'll just leave you with this bit of asshole whimsy:
Does this hurricane make my ass look big? Saith an unnamed, former FEMA Director

P.S. Thanks everyone, for the Happy Birthday wishes. The celebration was a lowkey event, which included a dinner of take-out Mexican, in my jammies. (And my very own container of Guacamole!). Later, I enjoyed lovely Pinot Grigio.

P.P.S. We are currently under a Lake Effect snow advisory, which means a possible snow day tomorrow. To enhance the probability of having an undeserved day off, I must now take my leave of this station, to perform a ritualistic snow dance in the back yard, wearing nothing but Uggs. Think snowy thoughts.


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