••• Saturday, March 04, 2006

License to Jive 

Okay. After 3.25 hours in front of the computer (minus a pee), I hit the "score" button and covered my eyes.

30 seconds later, peeking through my fingers at the bottom of the screen, I see:

Hot Damn! I passed. Just barely, but who gives a Freudian hump? I passed. I passed. I passed...

I put my head on the table and tried to calm my jangly nerved self. After a moment or two, I look up at the screen to read the rest of the notice, and see the rest:

75 is passing. 84 is kicking names and taking ass.

::On the huge monitor, the 84 part was way over to the right of the screen and out of my "between the fingers" view. I was rather an emotional/cognitive wreck. K? And a person can be both goofy and brilliant.::

Almost the entire exam was vignette based. There was not one question on psychotropic medications. No cholinergic or primordial side effects to recognize. Nothing on research design either. And the one question about the differences between structural, strategic and Milan systems (which I knew, dammit) meant as much to me as "What color Froot Loop gets soggy before all the others?"

Not complaining. Nope.

Now I just have to figure out where to begin in my effort to reclaim my life. But not today. I'm plain worn out. I feel like a living, breathin' specimen of backwash.

And I'm 84 fucking percent okay with that.

License to Kill Drive
Now here's a quick (or not) little story about how this (or someone's) testie was almost dropped on its furry ass and how sometimes the fingers of universe gotta get pokin' in some goofy pie to get things going in the proper, predestined manner.

About a month ago, I get an email at work from personnel. In this email I am told that my personnel file is missing the I-9 form and could I please come by the office with the proper documentation (driver's license and soc. security card) and fill out the form?

It was a busy week and I knew for a fact that I provided all this info when hired, because I used to hire people and I just knew the deal, so I ignored it.

A week later, I get another nasty reminder. Again, I'm in no hurry. However, I do remember to put my social security card in my purse while at home, in case I get inspired.

Later that week I happened to be in the administration building for a meeting. As I was getting into my car to head home for a four day weekend, I remembered the form. Thinking once and thinking twice about trekking back across the parking lot in a slushball storm (it was raining slush balls at the time, weird, apocalyptic shit going on.) I decided to get the email monkeys off my back and went back in to fill out the forms.

As the secretary is putting the form in front of me, I tell her that I'm pretty sure that I filled this out back then. She was silent for a moment before sheepishly explaining that they had to go through 800 personnel files, checking for proper documentation and when they came to the last 100, they decided it would be easier to just make these people reproduce instead of going through them. And then she said she was sorry for the inconvenience.

I was not thrilled to hear this rationale, but truthfully, I'm a pretty flexible person when it comes to stuff like this. Besides, I was in the building anyway...

So the form is filled out and the secretary hands me my driver's license and says "That's expired, you know." I had no idea. My husband handles the car stuff and must not have noticed the driver's license renewal reminder with the car registration/tabs renewal. Back in November.

No biggy. I think.

Halfway home through the slushball storm I find myself almost having to pull off the road. Not because of the slushballs. Because I think I'm having a heart attack. Because I just remembered something.

Per the instruction packet I received after registering for the licensing exam, I MUST bring two items with me on the day of the exam: 1) The authorization letter that says I can take the exam and 2) a valid driver's license. Unexpired. It says just that in the instructional packet. Unexpired driver's license.

If not for having to make the wonky, irritating and totally unnecessary stop at the personnel office, in the middle of a slushball storm, to fill out a form that I didn't really need to fill out because I already filled it out, I would have shown up at the exam yesterday, with bells on, and an expired driver's license.

Because I never would have caught it.

I would have forfeited my seat and fee and have to wait 90 days to reapply. And then I would have had a word with my husband. Word.

Now, is that some weird, synchronitious shit, or what?

It was that odd little bend in the matrix that gave me a considerable boost of confidence that the outcome of the test was going to go my way. I don't think all those guardians of the test-icular universe would have gone through all that effort to mess things up, just to get me to sit and fail.

I believe. You?

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