••• Saturday, May 06, 2006

Walking the Blog: Part II 

Dear Boob Walkers,
For the past five years or so, I've been a real nice lady. Whenever I approached a group of two or three of you walking abreast, and it was apparent that no one was going to step aside and make room for me to pass, I'd be forced to step into a gravelly ravine, or onto a lawn. One time, while moving out of the way, I caught my shoe on the edge of the sidewalk and almost landed on a freshly expressed lugie, dangling in the grass.

I always stepped aside because I am typically not one to sweat the small things. I did this because life is too short for dwelling on the petty, including your unfathomable, consistently boorish behavior. I did this because I am a sane, well-balanced person, with many things going for me. At least I was that person.

But, dear ladies, now that I've entered the Peri-Pausal zone, all bets are off. These days I'm feeling old and tired and that perhaps life ain't so short but is indeed, very long and draining and otherwise an old tired bitch. These days, I'm not feeling so well-balanced or that so many things are going my way. In fact, you might say that these days I'm feeling a little off my nut. Sweetly crazed. Peri-Menocidal. Even.

What does all this mean for you, dear ladies? It means I ain't moving no more. Why should I? When my husband and I go for a walk and another person approaches on the sidewalk, we wouldn't in a million sidewalk squares expect that person to move out of our way. Beside being rude, expecting the other person to move doesn't make any kind of sense. I like things to make sense.

I know that for years now I've been the objet du joke of your little club. Your poster child for Easy Sidewalk Prey. But no more. Starting today, I'm not moving. Neither am I going to be rude. There will be no dirty looks. No obscene rumblings. I'm going to say "Excuse me," with a smile, and stand. And wait. Until one of y'all steps aside.

And because being the training bra for The Boob Walkers Club has become my new mission in life, I've cleared my calendar. I've plenty of time. I'll stand as long as need be. ::Remember The Zax?::

Then, once you move and let me pass, you'll all look back at me. And I'll be looking back at you. And I'll give a little wave and a smile. Then later, back at the Boob Walkers clubhouse, ::You know where the Boobs hang out:: one of you might swear to the others that when looking back,you saw a strange red glow in my eye and heard a faint, unearthly howl in the near distance. Someone else might say they think they saw and heard the same thing. And a new poster child will be born. And within a few days, word of my new annointment will be out and I'll be parting The Boob Walkers like Moses and the Red Sea.

Just Sayin'. Dear ladies.

::This story went a bit long. The Best Stalking Story Ever will soon be available in the third installment of the Walking the Blog series.::

Knittin' Knuggets
Over the past week I have knit up three hats for the Get Connected charity. Here I am modelling one (pay no attention to the lady behind the eyebrow):

The yarn is Lion Brand Chunky Kool Wool and the pattern is Crazy Aunt Purl's Brangelina hat pattern.

I'd love to stay and chat, but it's a beautiful spring day, and I've got some sidewalk ass to crack. So I'll leave you with this...

...Two people walking a breast

Labels: , ,

Comments: Post a Comment