••• Monday, December 04, 2006

My Quayle Song 

What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.-Dan Quayle

I make Dan Quayle look like a rock scientist.- Lindsey Lohan, sort of.

::Following is the first and possibly only installment of the Got Stupid? Fuckumentary Series.::

Got Stupid?
I did.
Got Stupid.
Still Do.

Most people think of Stupid as a distinct absence of thought.

Oh no. Not me. Not My Stupid. I must Think About My Stupid. I must Plan My Stupid. I must be at My Best Stupid. Always. My Stupid has Standards.

How Do I Stupid?
Let me count the ways.

I knit a hat. See?

It's Nik's N'adorable Republic pattern. Sans big-ass button. Only because I can't find me a big-ass button.


It took me three tries to knit it right. The hat.

Why three times, you ask? Was there a problem with the pattern?
Uh no. The pattern is perfect.

Was there a problem with gauge?
Uh no. The gauge is perfect.

The answer is quite simple, actually.

For I Am Stupid.

When the hat is 5 inches long, the knitter is instructed to begin the descent into the crown shaping. Thinking ::Some trouble that, eh?:: the hat could be too small, I tried it on, did some Stupid Math and determined that the hat was going to be too small for my tiny pea head ::Yes, you read that right. Because I have a tiny head, I was afraid the hat would be too small.::

So I added an inch. Or so. And it came out huge. So I frogged.

Still not convinced that the author of the pattern could possibly grasp the intricate complexities of designing a hat for my tiny-ass pea brain,I could not,I would not, follow the pattern as written. And I made it longer again. But not so much.

Even though it was not as huge as the first hat, it was still too big for my tiny pea. So it puckered. A tiny pea pucker. So I ripped it. A not-so-tiny pea frog.

On the third try I made an amazing discovery: The designer of the hat actually did understand the delicate nature of a tiny-ass pea brain, and the hat fit perfectly when knit as instructed.

There is one thing I don't like about the hat. The color. It is a beautiful buttery yellow, which against my skin, gives me the pallor of the terminally hungover. So before I hunt down a big-ass button, I'm going to dye the hat with Kool-aid. Black Cherry.

I hear that Kool-Aid dyeing is pretty easy. Even if I Got Stupid, what can possibly go wrong with a Kool-Aid dye? I mean, you just fill the washer with hot water, toss in the Kool-aid and the hat and a squirt of Dawn soap and run her through. Right?

That’s exactly what I was thinking.
My redemption.

Labels: ,

Just for the purposes of scientific interest, you should know that Black Cherry turns out sort of rust on white Patons wool.

....Just sayin'

No, toopid, you do NOT put Koolaid in your washer. What do you think one teeny packet will do in 3 gallons of water, anyhow? Do it stove top, with simmering water, let it cool, and all that.

We have super powers of invisibility at my house. You may have seen it...you may have it-where you get to the front of the line, and no one will help you? Where you wave at the waitress because you need spoons and she ignores you? You thought they were rude-----no, YOU have super powers.
LOL! Your stupid is why my blog is labeled mediocre...I can knit but some how, some way, I can find a way to flub the most simple of projects...my biggest difference is that I wouldn't have frogged the hat and would just wear the oversized or cutting the circulation hat and tell everyone that is the way it's SUPPOSED to be ;)

Koolaid scares me...good luck!
My grandmother used to always tell the story of a little boy (don't remember the name) who always told his teacher, "I'm not stu...stu...stu.. dumb."

I vote for dyeing it in a pot in the kitchen. A small pot would do with such a small hat.
Post a Comment