Things to For Five Days Without The Internets:

-Cry for the internets.

-Nearly complete another scarf* for the Red Scarf project.

-Cry for the orphans.

-Take Cakers to see Charlotte’s Web.

-Give praise and/or thanks to whose ever idea it was to make Charlotte so creepily realistic that you don’t feel so bad badder baddly when she dies and shrivels into what looks like a pile of pubes you might find on the bathroom floor, behind the toilet. ::Oops. I should’ve warned about the spoiler. Sorry, my peeps. But now that the fur is out of the bag, yes, there are piles of pubes behind toilets. Somewhere.::

-Go for some walks.

-Take some pictures.**

-Drink some booze.

-Explore uncharted late night cable TV programming, such as Adult Swim Hang on the Execution Channel. I also caught The History of Sex on the History Channel. ::Sex has a history? That’s some deep shit, Sherlock.::

-Pet the dog.

-Read a book. ::The Historian was a pretty good read, but I was kind of disappointed. It was no where near as interesting as The Internets. Just sayin and ‘Nuff said.::

-Cry some more.

Things NOT to do for Five Days Without The Internets:

-Do not convince yourself that The Internets actually live in the cable television cable and thusly attempt to Jerry Wig (Jerry Wrig?) the resident, non-modemed computer to the Television Cable.

-Do not peer (pier?) into the windows of neighboring cottages in search of the friendly, inviting glow of The Internets. Do this neither in broad daylight, while wearing a remarkably attractive orange hat with a big-ass button, or after dark, drunk stupid.

-Do not attempt to devise a not-so-very-much-clever plan to go “New Years Eve Caroling” at a nearby cottage where you are convinced The Internets are currently harbored, based on some late night, drunken window-pepping. Especially do not do this if you haven’t thought through the implications of singing "We Wish You a Happy New Year" to the tune of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas." Umm. It gets a little awkward at the end. Run through it a sec, you’ll see what I mean.

-After the awkward ending of the carol, if the embarrassed cottage residents invite you in for a drink, ::to help us all forget, no doubt.:: do not say this: “Since I’m here, would you mind if I took a quick peek at Your Internets?” Because then they would say this: “Um. We don’t have The Internets.” And then you’d say: “Sure you do. I seen it in that back room right there. That rectangular thing with the beautiful blue glow. That’s The Internets.” While one of your hosts explains that the blue glow in grandpa’s bedroom is actually a fish aquarium and further inquires as to what (is?) you been doing in grandpa's room, the other host will be dialing The 9-1-1.

-Do not go to the mall and inquire at every other kiosk, as to whether or not they have The Internets on their cash register.

-Do not tell the customer who is hogging the computer at the Free Genealogy Search Kiosk that you have it on pretty good authority that she is actually adopted and therefore wasting her time and therefore needs to get her fat ass off this computer and over to the Are You My Mother? Adoption Reunification Kiosk, where you happen to know The Internets are currently not working.

-Once you are arrested and safely contained in the hoosegow, do not ask for one browse on The Internets, in lieu of your one phone call.

No really, it wasn’t so bad.
No. Really. Actually. Not. So. Much.

* Scarf in question:



**Photos in question:





Thats' it for now. I'm about 5 days behind all y'all in blogtime and today I was back to work, so its'going to take a few four me to get my cliche on.

Labels: Cottage, Now You're Whining, Pho-Ho'