••• Saturday, April 18, 2009

Claw and Odor: Ovum Easy 

Duck, Duck, Goos.
If I had a dollar for every time a child on my street said "Dead Squirrel" or "Duck Eggs" this week, I'd have enough money to start a foundling home for orphaned rodents and unhatched babies whose parents have run afowl of the law.

It all started Thursday, when the kids found an abandoned nest of duck eggs in a pile of brush on our street. Upon closer investigation, they noticed that one of the eggs was broken in half, yolk and whites still intact and in full, horrific view.

Apparently, to a pack of suburban-esque, early elementary aged children,there is nothing more heinous than the unprovoked murder of...a duck. Yolk.

Once they got past the initial shock and horror, they moved into the next stage of grief: Blame.

First, they turned it on one another.

1st grader Pooky says he saw 2nd grader Jody near the brush pile yesterday, and is pretty sure he saw her touch an egg. And everyone knows that the human touch on an unhatched egg is the touch of death. Jody, of course, denied all the charges.

Morning Kindergartner then announced that while the full day students were at school that afternoon, he saw Morning Young Fives looking in the pile of brush while holding a stick. Morning Young Fives was taking his afternoon nap at the time of this discussion, so could neither confirm nor deny the charges.

That's when someone saw the squirrel in the road. Well-dead and weller-flattened. (Cabana later took responsibility for the latter flatter, but swears the creature was already dead when he hit it, and didn't see the carcus in time to swerve. We're keeping that information under our hats for now. Your cooperation in the latter, flatter matter is appreciated.)

According to Cakers, Tank the 2nd grader went directly into the street to look at The-Placemat-Furmerly-Known-as-Squirrel, up close. He returned to the group with a confirmation of dead and to also report the observed presence of blood and yellow stuff that looked exactly like, you guessed it, egg yolk.

That night, everyone went to bed believing that the squirrel did it.

But if you've ever watched the real Law and Order on T.V., you know that any case proclaimed solved before 9:40 will be unsolved and resolved at least 2 more times before the end of the show.

Case in Point: Friday, 3:45 P.M.
The children gather once again at the scene of the crime. My Cakers included. After about 5 minutes of loud arguing, which I could hear from three houses down and across the street, I decided that the situation called for some wise, adult presence. Because I was the only adult available, we had to settle for mere adult.

Once I arrived on the scene, I was informed that the post-mortem case against the squirrel had been thrown out on the grounds that, according to Morning Kindergartner, squirrels only eat nuts, berries and plants. No eggs.

Color The Squirrel villified.

With no other leads, the investigation once more turned to Jody. By now, several more witnesses had stepped forward to say that they also saw Jody near the broken egg and are pretty sure she touched it.

Jody starts screaming and stamping her feet. While this behavior does not bode well for the rest of the eggs still in the brush, just inches from her feet, it works nicely as a defense strategy, in that the investigation quickly returns to the animal kingdom for the perpetrator.

Goose? No one's ever seen one around here.

Skunk? Definite possibility, but discussion quickly turned into several anectdotal sidebars.

Snapping Turtle? 3rd grader says she saw one in her back yard last summer.Young Fives supports the theory because he heard the snapping sound of a snapping turtle just last night, outside his bedroom window when he was trying to fall asleep. As he told his tale, he snapped his fingers a few times to show how it was done. 3rd grader sneers that snapping turtles don't snap their fingers, because they don't have fingers and he's lying. Mortified by chastisement, Young Fives shuts right up.

Because I'm slightly disturbed, by nature, I could not fight the urge to poke at the process with, "Well, I've seen quite a few raccoons around here...and they loooove duck eggs." After several seconds of silence, Unnamed 2nd Grade Boy confirmed my testimony, which started an entirely new discussion about raccoons. This quickly went no where, however, after it became apparent that most of the participants were confusing Raccoons with Possums.

At 4:12, the investigation turned one more time, to Jody. And at 4:15, the jury returned a guilty verdict against her. Jody immediately remanded herself home,in tears.

Case solved?

Not quite.

The above picture was taken after dinner, about 6:30, when a segment of the crime team again gathered on the mound of death. There was more arguing, but I couldn't hear what they were arguing about. I did, however, think a picture was finally in order.

After a while, the group disbanded to join in on more age-appropriate distractions already in play.

But what would a great crime story be without an epilogue?
Like a duck egg frittata without orange sauce.

After the last bubble was burst, they gathered once again.

Even though they had solved the case, there was still the issue of the eggs. What should be done with them?

Of course,an argument ensued.

Some of the kids thought the eggs were best left where they are.
Another argued it was too dangerous of a spot, and they wouldn't be safe.

What if the mother comes back for the eggs?
No way. The mother is gone. No thanks to Jody contaminating them with her human-ness.

What will happen to the baby ducks? Who will take care of them?

3rd Grader announces that she is going to take the remaining eggs into her home to keep warm and nurture until the ducklings were born.

What will she do with the baby ducks?

With a tone of authority she says "We'll give them away to poor people, because they can't afford to get their own." ::This is a true quote. I heard it myself. Swear to Gosh-ling::

::I know. A post for another day.::

Anyway. After the plan was approved by all, Third Grader ran home to share the exciting news with her mother. About one minute later she returns and blandly states, "My mom says we can't touch the eggs and have to stay away from the eggs and we need to stop talking about the eggs."

Case closed.

As I type this, all the kids are working together to set up a lemonade stand, the proceeds of which will go to charity.

And that's the end of my tale.

Speaking of tails, isn't this one bodacious?

If I had to have a tail, that's exactly what I'd be talking about.


When will be the next episode of CSI-Neighborhood
What an odd place for a nest of duck eggs... Perhaps the preliminary investigation should have involved how those eggs got there to begin with.
Post a Comment