••• Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Wednesday, After All 

The following post is sponsored by Costco bakery and Bob Evans' pre-packaged mashed potatoes.

Yesterday I was sitting in a meeting at work, pretending to take copious notes on every participant's every thought and feeling, but instead I wrote out my grocery requirements for Thanksgiving dinner. Unfortunately, the people at the meeting were not speaking in list format, so I had to write out my grocery list items embedded in complete sentences. For appearances, you know.

I thought I was being pretty damn clever until I arrived at the grocery store and tried working from a list that included things like "9th grade Organic Turkey weighs 15 pounds or so. Several attempts were made to reach his Butter and Rolls on Grigio's Celery but it was out of Beans."


While writing out my grocery list essay, I realized my hostess heart wasn't in its usually bright and anticipatory place for Thanksgiving, likely on account of having blown the bulk of my Giving wad on Sunday.

And then I had a brilliant, hostess-heart-lifting idea: Pre-packaged mashed potatoes and Costco pumpkin pie. ::Hey, it's the gravy that matters the most and Costco pumpkins are great. There will still be homemade apple pie. K? Just one.::

Having these two items off of today's to-do list means I can now spend some time with you.


Marketing Damn-o-Graphics
I used to be in the cool kids direct mailing loop of sales catalogs. You know, like J. Crew and Victoria's Secret.

On my 48th birthday, I came home to two new-to-me fashion catalogs: IOS or Individual Original Style (WTF kind of name is that?), and a long underwear catalog. Swear.

When I opened the first catalog, I nearly wept. This is who some important somebody who molds and forms and influences the fashion thoughts of the world, thinks I am, now that I'm almost 50?

Elastic waist knit pants?

Sequined animal print jackets?

Dangling baubles the size of a newborn's noggin?

As I walked to the trash can, I flipped through the rest of the catalog thinking, "No fucking way people. I'm not ready. I'll never be ready. You'll have to drag me kicking and screaming to this Early-Bird-Special-Fresh-Hell....oh wait. What's this?"

That's kind of cute. Drape-y yet fashionable. But I have nothing to wear it with.

What about the pants in the picture? Hmmm...Boot-cut, stretch-knit pants with Hollywood Elastic Waist. In salsa.

Hollywood Elastic Waist? Why didn't you say so in the first place?

The Hollywood Elastic Waist is nothing like the elastic used in pants for the common aging woman with puppy paunch and degenerative bladder control. You know, the Toledo-Dayton Elastic Waist.

Nothing. Like. That.

This is obviously the elastic waistband of the stars, people. Hollywood.

And I walked that damn catalog back into the office, where it's sitting high on a shelf, alongside my self-respect.

See how they are?


Look Under There
Now, the long underwear catalog was too damn freaky to be insulting.

I can so relate to a cozy Saturday night of cribbage on the couch, in my long underwear. Can't you? And they don't look a bit awkward.

A little later in the evening you can switch it up a bit with some sexy costumes and role plays of Our Favorite Child-Hood Cartoon Characters.

Says Josie to the G.I. Joe, "I have been a very bad pussy cat."

This was my favorite.

I guess the message here is "You might be too old for the slopes, but you are never too old to stand around outside the ski resort in your long underwear, holding a pair of antique skis."


Pubes and Mashed Potatoes
The other day I got out of work on time and rushed home for a workout before picking up the Cakers. On the way home, I noticed some amazing cloud patterns and decided to go on a photo shoot instead. I headed to the local lake for the best shots. Unfortunately, the best of the puffs had passed by that point. The pictures I did get were not as good in pixel as they were in real life.

This one didn't look too impressive until I started fiddling with it in my photo software. Here's what I got after hitting the auto-fix button:

Yet another good reason to go with the pre-packaged.
And WTF.
And all that.

P.S. I took out some images and replaced with links to images in an attempt to fix the margin problem that pushed my posts down. This required some republishing.

P.P.S. None of my fiddling worked. Sorry.

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From Victoria's Secret to long underwear... Yowza. But ya know, silk long underwear should be one of the wonders of the world...
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