••• Sunday, July 15, 2007

Only The Slovenly 

I no dust Buster any more. - Lupe the Housekeeper, Arrested Development.

Way back in June, you may remember I was going to block a sweater. Ariann.

But I didn't.

Because...Before I could block the sweater I had to vacuum my bedroom floor.

But before I could vacuum the floor, I had to dust.

Before I could dust, I needed to clear off the bureau.

While putting away the stuff from the bureau, I noticed my closet needed cleaning.

While cleaning the closet, I started a charity pile, which ended up on the bedroom floor. So I couldn't vacuum.

And then we went to the cottage.

And then we came home.

And then it was time to block the sweater.

But before I could block the sweater, I had to vacuum the bedroom floor.

And before I could vacuum the bedroom floor, I had to...

Clean my purse.

I come from a short line of messy-weirdly-contented purse clutchers.

For example, while we were sitting in the bleachers at my son's high school graduation, waiting for commencement to commence, my mother pulled a small zip lock bag of melted butter from her purse and held it up, all excited.

Apparently she had spent the better part of that morning looking for that butter. She thought she was going crazy. So finding the bag of butter in her purse meant that she wasn't going crazy after all. I know I felt better. As I'm sure did the fellow members of my community who were privy to our joy of newfound family sanity.


Results of the purge:

Itemized list of contents:
1 wallet

1 Cell phone

2 Prescription medications that are supposed to help me keep my purse clean.

6 Tampons of assorted suckage

2 Library cards.

10 Lipsticks

4.5 Pairs of earrings.

1 Cover stick.

9 Pens.

1 Bruce Springsteen concert ticket stub from June, 2006.

1 Disposable lens cloth, well dried in the packet.

2 Packs of contact lens, right eye only.

4 Over the counter bladder wack pills.

5 Grocery store receipts, one of which was wrapped around a wad of gum.

1 Burger King coupon, expired in December, 2006.

2 Clinique blushers.

1 Large make-up brush.

1 Large Ass button with ink spots.

3 Hair implements.

1 Package Cinnamon Listerine breath paper thingies.

1 Very Smushed South Beach protein bar.

5 Petrified sunflower seeds. ::Wouldn't you'd be scared too?::

3 Christmas-themed candy corns

1 Used band-aid

$4.59 in change.
Momma's Got a Brand New Bag

Of course, now my house is cluttered with tampons and ink pens and lipsticks.

I also cleaned out my knitting bag, but I was too embarrassed to share that.

Once my purse was clean, I was free to perform all the afore-mentioned pre-sweater-blocking rituals.

And a sweater was born.

Button close-up.

The pattern calls for larger buttons, but my messed up button holes do not. Besides, I really loved those buttons and they didn't come in large.

The blocking did give me a bit more boobease, but not enough. I think it'll be fine worn open with a crochet chain belt.

Effin' O Stats:
Pattern: ChicKnits Ariann

Yarn: Berroco Cotton Twist

Size: 38

Comments: Fun pattern. Well written. Of course. At one point there was a dizzying amount of stitch comings and goings to keep track of, but if I can do it, anybody can. I'd definitely make this one again, but in a size larger.

Also, I'm thinking of adding a couple of inches to the collar.

For the Want of a Towel
I had wanted to model the final version of Ariann for your viewing pleasure, but to do it right, I need to get a little gussied up.

Before I could gussy up, I needed to take a shower.
Before I could take a shower, I needed a clean towel.
Before I could do the laundry, I needed to...

...Know: What's in your purse?

P.S. The weirdest thing I ever found at the bottom of my purse was a dried up barbequed rib.

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My divorce agreement. Three years after the divorce and my subsequent marriage to the love of my life. Apparently, I felt the need to carry it around in case no one believed me that I really did get out of that one somewhat intact. Here, let me show you my exploded tampons, a ten-year-old lipstick I've always hated, and my divorce agreement. Believe me now?
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