And No, This is Not the New Years Post. Yet. Still.

Last FO of 2007, Please Meet the First of '08:



As soon as I finished this, I experienced a tiny needled emptiness and immediately wanted to cast on for another pair. Except I don't have any sock yarn.

A pairently, I really am a sock knitter.

Pattern: From Ann Budd's book of patterns.
Yarn: Lana Grossa Magico.

As you were.

Labels: If Knitting You is Wrong I Don't Want to Be Right, Intendments, Knit Done

I hate Christmas was wonderful beyond my dreams. Christmas Eve I stayed up until 2:00 a.m., ransacking the house in search of my secret booze stash, after knocking off the last legitmate bottle of wine. to make sure the next morning was nothing less than perfect.

Christmas morning, Cakers was up at the crack of ass dawn to open her gifts. Then, while Cakers played with her new toys, I cleaned up the wrapping paper mess and prepared a plan to get myself legally adopted by the lady down the block for mid-morning brunch with the in-laws. No sooner had I finished with all that, when College Boy came over from his father's house, to open his presents.

When my son was done opening his gifts, I was struck by a sudden sense of sadness at not having run away with that rogue band of eunoch bikini waxers, back in college. had a few more kids, with a few more different men, so the gaiety of this morning could have been extended.

After a third round of gift exchange, this time with my in-laws, punch was spiked brunch was served. After the table was cleared,we had a surpise guest: Child phenom Caker Monshaker.



My inlaws left at 2:00, which gave me just a couple of hours to hunt down my former therapist to ask him to: 1) drop the restraining order and 2) Get me a 48 hour inpatient placement, where I would be expected to do nothing but enjoy a medication-induced euphoria and whoozily receive my guilt-ridden visitors. prepare for a round of toxic relational debauchery reciprocal love and joy with my mother, siblings and nieces and nephews, at a party being held later in the evening.

That party went pretty well except for the part where my niece shot my nephew in the neck with a pellet gun and my former SWAT instructor brother had to take her down, to disarm her and then my mom cried., but the highlight of the evening was the presentation of my Tammy Faye Snuff film snowman cupcakes.

And even though most of the little snowman noses fell like panties off a Spears'ass off in transit to the party, my family members were so thrilled with these little fellas that they fought over who would get to implode theirs next in the microwave get first pick.

In fact, by then end of the night there were only two left and I found them in the back room, toasted and nestled between two graham crackers, with a chunk of a Nestle's bar.!

I spent the next day sniffing cleaning supplies and sucking the scalp of Cakers'new wig. cleaning, and the day after that I cleaned up after the cleaning up.

And today, we're at the cottage.
Halya Fucking Loo Ya.

I'm so excited to be here that I don't give a whit about the anticipated 6-10 inches of snow expected between 4 and 11 p.m. today.



Early in the snow shower, the flakes were huge and I wanted to take a picture of one. I received a photography book for Christmas, but it doesn't have anything in it about photographing snowflakes, so I winged it.



Here's to Getting Hosed on New Years
I bet you thought I forgot.
But I didn't.



I'm finished with the leg part. Next, I have to do that stuff that makes sox more than just messing around with a 7 inch tube of glorious substance.

Soxual Heeling, Baybee.

p.s. I meant to have the this post done two days ago. But hey, Shit happens. Shit Happens.

p.s. I REALLY meant to have this post done two hours ago. But hey, Blogger Happens. Blogger Happens.

p.s. I'm ree ree tired and will not be checking publication for typos, grammos or STDS.

Labels: Christmas, Cottage, I Need Therapy Thursday, Intendments, Knit In Progress, Pho-Ho', Too Tired for Pudding

We are one week into December, and lots of you are several weeks into the holiday hustle already.

Not me, man.

Just last week I told Cakers that she had to take her homemade Halloween decoration off the front door. ::It was really cute and, technically a Neewollah decoration, on account of her hanging the letters in reverse order.:: Once the door was free of fall holiday debris, I re-hung my favorite Christmas angel on the door. She had been taken down at the insistence of Cakers, in early October, to make room for the Neewollah.

But hey. We're not total slackers. Last weekend, The Husband Formerly Known as Cabana tossed a few Christmas light hairnets on some bushes out back, for our private viewing pleasure.

Inside the house? I got nothin'. And between the daily,increasingly bizarro surprises at work and Not-The-Cabana's work schedule, Christmas is nary a twitch in my inner Bitchmom Screampants' eye.

What I am sweating right now, is the knowledge that I have to knit a sock in the next three weeks, but I don't know how.

Awkward Segue. Please Bear With.
Last January, I did something unusual for me, and threw out some behavioral and personal goals for the year 2007. I called them Intendments.

With just a few bites left of 2007, I think it's the perfect time to assess my progress, and see if I can maybe squeeze out another one, or two.

2007 Knitting Intendments
1) I will continue in my quest to decrease my current stash at a rate that is equal to or greater than the increase.

Sometimes I crack myself up.
Uh, No.

2) I will knit at least one garment using the yarn recommended by the designer.

Ariann and Mondo.
Yes and Yes.

3) I will try my hand at knitting a sock.

Not yet, but that's why I'm writing this today. Because I can still squeeze this one in.

4) I will try to stick to one project at a time, if possible.

This one was kind of vague.
So I give myself a vague nod.

Creative Intendments
1) I will read the manual for my camera.

2) I will find the manual for my camera. And then, I will read it.

I found the manual.
I tried to read it.

This is what it got me: Ghostcakes in the Sand.



At least this one had a little more color.



I give myself half a yes.

3) Until I find and read the manual for my camera, I will stay away from the Flickr sites that showcase incredible photos taken by alleged amateurs who use the very same camera as I do.

Yes.

4) I will play with my sewing machine.

Not as much as I'd have liked to, but Yes.

5) I will share more stories from my childhood. ::You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll unsubscribe.::

I haven't done much of this. And you unsubscribed anyway.
So that's a No for me.
And a Yes for you.

Intendments for the Body
1) I will continue to learn to accept my aging body, with grace and a plump ass.

It seems to help that my vision is deteriorating at a rate commiserate with the dropping of my Everythings.

So Yes.

2) I will refuse to accept that I can feel my stomach bouncing off the tops of my thighs when I walk up the stairs. Okay, we have a steep staircase, but still.

I lost 7.5 pounds last year.

3) I will weigh myself once a month, post-period.

No.

Intendments for the Soul
1) I will call the high school friends I promised I would call, after seeing them at my recent high school class reunion.

I was going to call one friend over spring break, but then Cabana ended up in the hospital and I was afraid he was going to die. But he didn't. So I ran out of excuses.

2) I will read more books.

I read more books.
Yes.

3) I will take definite and specific breaks from the internet.

Done and doner.

4) I will get over a fear and travel to meet some bloggers.

I had hoped to make it to SAFF this year, but didn't. I did go to Knitterpalooza, which was an hour's drive, one way. C'est traveling, non?

So Yes.

Whew.
For a person who doesn't normally make New Year's resolutions as such, I think I did pretty well. And it's not over yet, people. I'm going to knit me a sock.

Anybody know of a good sock pattern for an ingenue?

Labels: Bitchmom Screampants, Intendments

...To the Dog Days of Summer.
And so it begins.

The days are getting shorter.

The neighborhood is getting quiet. ::Why is that the children disappear from the streets in August?::

And inservice itineraries are arriving in the mail.

All these things provide, in bits and pieces, psychological acclimation to the coffee-stoked reality that lies ahead: I'm going back to work.

Every August starts with a feeling of panic. It's not so much that I don't want to go back to work, because I do. I NEED to work. It's more about taking stock of what I accomplished over the summer. And what I didn't.

It's about counting coup and eating crow.
And making the most of what remains.

Tomorrow we're going back to the cottage for a long weekend. Our last until Labor Day. The In-laws are there. As is the dial-up that is rumored to have sent the Slowsky's to therapy, in search of their true bottom line.

All that being said: It's time for speed blogging.

Sahara


I finished her. Sleeveless. I just couldn't deal no 'mo.

Cabana took some pictures of me modeling Sahara, but they were horrible. I don't know if it was the angle from my leaning against the deck rail, or the camera flash picking up the white of my tank top through the sweater fabric, or a combination therein, but in the picture, it looked like I was nursing a six-pack of baby belugas under there. Not a lovely sight. Come to think of it, Cabana hasn't looked me in the eye since seeing the images.

Anyway. I hope to have a modeled view of Sahara to share in a few weeks, after I wrap up the Sea World tour.

In the meantime, the Effin' O Specs:

Pattern: Sahara

Yarn:Elsebeth Lavold, Cottin Patine.

Size: Medium

Comments: Really fun to knit, except for the parts that weren't. Some of the language in the directions was kind of confusing. One other thing I'm not crazy about is that the first decrease stitches in the front land right in the middle of the heads of the top two belugas. It gave my husband pause and has me thinking I may not be wearing it to work. Maybe some adolescent clients would find it distracting.

Would I knit it again? I initially was thinking that I would knit it in long sleeves for winter, but right now I'm kind of not wanting to think about it for awhile.

You might say that I'm...

...Sew Over Knitting
Sometime way back, I bought a sewing machine from the internets.

Because I wanted to sew.

But I didn't.

Sew.

And for months, my new machine sat silent.

With the blue packing tape still sticking to its tiny parts and stifling its little hopes and dreams.

For whatever reason,the untaping of the machine and figuring out how to use it felt like a huge project. It didn't help that it was set up in the basement, two floors away from the ironing board, and the only available floor space for cutting patterns.

A few weeks ago I went shopping for patterns and fabric, hoping to feel some excitement and get motivated.

I mostly got a headache. It takes awhile to get your sewing legs back.

Anyway. I bought some fabric and a summery pattern for Cakers and even went so far as to cut it out. And there it sat. I just couldn't make myself sew in the basement.

Last week Cabana did some shuffling of large exercise equipment, and set up the sewing machine in a cozy corner in our bedroom.

And...Voila!





I completed this outfit just minutes before a predesignated departure time for our Anniversary date ::Cakers invited herself and insisted on it including an Underdog matinee.::

My mom sewed most of my clothes when I was a child. Many times I remember her finishing up a hem or closing a neckline on a dress, while I'm wearing it, as the family is heading out the door to some event. I even remember being sewed upon in the car, on the way to the Sunday School Christmas program. And she always left a pin in. Somewhere.

Just like I did on this outfit. Cakers felt found it while at the movies. And I didn't close the elastic casing.

Next on the docket:



The top at the top.

Sew Seredipitous.
Sew. Before this, the last thing I sewed was my headpiece, for my wedding, which happened exactly eight years ago from the day I finished Cakers' outfit.

Last week Cakers announced that when she grows up, she wants to marry Tom Petty.

While at our anniversary dinner at Applebees, Tom Petty's Even a Loser came on over the Musak and Cabana looked at me and said "'Even a Loser gets lucky some time.' My theme song, eight years ago today."

Okay. I guess you had to be there.
I was.
And it rocked.

Labels: Boobs and Pee and Poo, Intendments, Knit Done, My Daughter Scares Me, Tree From Where I Fell

Yeah, I'm just a few little weeks late for the New Years Atonements and Declaration parade. Like many people, I steer away from New Year resolutions and decrees. I once had a friend who started every year with a new personal rule like "I will not wear stripes or prints, only solids," or "I will not smile in pictures."

While I admired her drive and courage to be able to make the big sacrifice for meaningful change, I've never been much of a rigid, personal-rule-oriented person, except when it comes to touching OPB or Other People's Boogers. With that, I am not down.

But I am not opposed to some good intendments. ::2nd definition::

Following are my Terms of Intendment for the year '07.

Knitting Intendments
1) I will continue in my quest to decrease my current stash at a rate that is equal to or greater than the increase.

In other words, I'm not joining any Knit from the Stash clubs, but I will continue to honor my current level of stress, stemming from how much yarn I own in relation to how many years I have left, in which to knit it.

One of my stash problems is that I don't have that great of a selection, which is kind of prohibitive when it comes to options for projects. Around blogland I often read about people just pulling an entire project's worth of Noro Silk Garden from their cache, or Rowan Silk Haze.

I ain't got mucha nuthin' like that. I do have several skeins of Noro something-something in my stash. It's some thick-thin shit which was discontinued after about 6 months on the market. I only ever found 3 patterns designed for this yarn, and all three garments looked like pureed cocoon on the models.

I have lots of Encore and Cotton-Ease, and some cotton candy stuff that over the years has morphed into what appears to be a giant tampon. ::Hmmm...:: I do have a sweater's worth of Cascade Indulgence, in Peter Maxx Lime. But most of the yarn I own is undoable. Being the poster child for Trailer Stash, I fear I have my work cut out for me.

2) I will knit at least one garment using the yarn recommended by the designer.

Bonne Marie is a no-brainer for this intended intendment, because she provides a list of possible yarns for her patterns. ::Yet I still shopped off the list for my attempt at Ce-Ce. That is exactly why this item is on the list.::

I'm thinking Ariann will be my near-maiden voyage into this uncharted-for-me territory.

3) I will try my hand at knitting a sock.

If that goes well, I will knit another to match.

4) I will try to stick to one project at a time, if possible.

I thrive on chaos on a couple of levels, but mostly in my head. Chaos is my source for creativity, both on the job and in my personal life. Chaos doesn't work well with knitting. At least not for me. There's too much physical shit to move around and keep track of. With the chaos fueling the inside, I kind of like the calm on the outside.

Creative Intendments
1) I will read the manual for my camera.

2) I will find the manual for my camera. And then, I will read it.

3) Until I find and read the manual for my camera, I will stay away from the Flickr sites that showcase incredible photos taken by alleged amateurs who use the very same camera as I do.

::There was a link at the bottom of my flickr page that took me to sites of people who use my same brand and model of camera. I clicked. I wept. I stuffed my camera in a drawer.::

4) I will play with this:



I bought it back in the fall, I believe. Cabana boy just last week cleared a spot for us in the basement. I'm really excited to get sewing again. Hecks. I might even read the sewing machine manual.

::This is the twin Brother to Norma's. I asked. She told. I bought.::

5) I will share more stories from my childhood.

::You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll unsubscribe.::

Intendments for the Body
1) I will continue to learn to accept my aging body, with grace and a plump ass.

2) I will refuse to accept that I can feel my stomach bouncing off the tops of my thighs when I walk up the stairs. Okay, we have a steep staircase, but still.

Maybe I won't get thinner but I will work hard to not get bigger. Even after I reach my 100 miles on Run-a-go-go, I will continue the pace.

3) I will weigh myself once a month, post-period.

Intendments for the Soul
1) I will call the high school friends I promised I would call, after seeing them at my recent high school class reunion.

And not because I told them I would, but because I really want to see them. ::I have a very hard time making phone calls like this. This one might take a while.::

2) I will read more books.

3) I will take definite and specific breaks from the internet.

4) I will get over a fear and travel to meet some bloggers. ::Not ready to go West yet girlie, sorry. You know..::

Maybe south? ::wiggles eyebrows.::

The Endment.

P.S.
I picked up a pair of jeans a few weeks ago at Costco. ::Yes, I swore off such purchases from said store, but I was desperate and they were pretty cute. In fact, they look good, considering what they have to work with.::

Anyway, here's the tag from the jeans:



I draw your attention to the last item, which should read:

Attention middle-aged women trying to maintain a look-long-gone. We take no responsibility for how your uni-butt or menopausal gut looks in these jeans. All you can hope for at this point in your life, in these pants, is the appearance of having slender knees. Otherwise, shop at own risk.

Labels: Intendments

The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms, when I thought “What am I doing?” – Jack Handey

I looked for an apt quote about time, but some of the quotes were too long, while others too weird or cryptic. Even though that quote is not about time, it seemed just writhe.

The Re-ravel: 2006
Anyway. I know I’m a little late with this, so sue me, wrestler. And because I am in one great hurry and you are already on board to tears, I will commence with a whore’s-bath-version of my Review of 2006 , followed by my most Heartfelt Anticipations of 2007, or A Bunch of Monkeys Might Be Flying From My Butt Some Time This Year or Maybe the Next and Maybe I'll Like it or Maybe I Won't.

1) I ABC’d-Along, one long year long. I really liked the ABC-Along because it provided me with not only opportunity but also the odd courage to share banal tales of yore, or otherwise real personal stuff about me and my family that you have no business knowing. Said stories caused you at times, to look away in shame and embarrassment. And regret. Oh wait, that was me.

And I’m pretty sure that if my therapist was still alive, he’d have gone oops upside my head before rolling his own self into the grave, after reading some of that shit. Seeing as how you can't hurt dead therapists or living relatives who don't Google, it's all good. Thanks for coming back, comma Drama notwithstanding.

2) I studied real hard and passed that damn test. The same test that I would not have had to take had I been paying attention for a mere 10 professional minutes the previous year and had my papers in order.

3) 2006 was not a prolific knitting year for me, but I was pleased with almost every item with which I plodded to completion. My personal favorite was the Green Gables, but The Cakers’ Queen of Hearts was a close second.

4) I walked about 300 miles between May and September, and lost a whopping 6 pounds. I promptly regained the 6 pounds in October, without having to lift a toe. ::Can’t hate a little something for nothing, now can I? And ain’t it great how life can be so serendipitously rich and rewarding?::

I can’t remember anything else, and have not the time to go archive diving.

Pre-ravel: 2007
One thing in which I will not be participating in 2007: Knit From Your Stash. Okay, I will be knitting from my stash, since I'm pretty sure the propietors of my favorite yarn store wouldn't appreciate me knitting straight from theirs.

My Bust My Balls program seems to be coming along nicely. The size of my current stash, in proportion to how many years I have to live, still frightens me. This fear functions as a natural inhibitor of the I Need Yarn hormone.

Works for me.

One thing in which I am participating in 2007 is Runagogo.



Here's my '07 mileage to date, all courtesy of my elliptical machine:




I love to walk and as soon as weather allows, I will return to it. In the meantime, it's just me and my cardo machine. But ever since the local channel took away my back-to-back Judge Judys ::4:00-5:00, M-F, Monday thru Friday.:: my ellipticating just ain't been the same.

So, mama got a brand new distraction:



For three days running ellipticatin' now, family members have resorted to begging me to stop the laughing, get off the machine and feed/bathe/clothe/console their helpless, sorry asses. ::I'm feeling kinda comma shy these days, which is causing me no small amount of panic, which in turn is causing me to, plant commas, with wildly random, abandon,. And, stuff., ::

I can't believe I didn't know about this show before, but I'm glad it's in my life now. In fact, I see an intervention in my future. I can't wait.

I also have some thoughts for my knitting in '07, but that'll have to be continued at a later date. My nickel done run out an hour ago, so I'm currently running on fumes.

I Came. I Saw. I Scarfed.

Here she is, the first baby of 2007, minus fringe:



I'll fringe her tomorrow and she'll be in the mail with her older sister to the Red Scarf Project by the weekend.

Hi Mom!



Yeah. Ain't she cute? Three seconds after this shot, she had both her front paw claws deeply embedded in the scarf. Much like dealing with a teen, it's typically best to let the moment pass without intervention, less one is seeking physical damages. It was hard, but I let the moment pass.

This post is officially over, whether finished or not. I'm one eye typing. Less than entertaining at best, dangerous at worst.

To be continued...........................................

::how many of those dot thangies are allowed again? I'm so confused. And scared. Someone? Anyone? I know I said I didn't care, but sometimes::

Labels: Charity Knits, Intendments, Runagogo